Verse 05 - Our Shadows Are Our Ghosts
by LaueHime
Summary: Underneath a Stretching Skyline, sammyverse #05. The nightmares and memories from Hell are bad enough. But sometimes it gets worse. Rated M.


**Title: **Our Shadows Are Our Ghosts, verse #05

**Author: **LaueHime

**Rating: **Mature

**Genre/pairing: **Angst, H/C, Gen

**Characters: **Sam, Dean, Bobby, Lucifer

**Word count:** +/- 3,300

**Warnings: **Some cussing, alcohol abuse, graphic mentions of torture

This one has a considerable amount of angst too, but also a healthy dose of schmoopiness and cuddling. Just saying.

**Summary: **The nightmares and memories from Hell are bad enough. But sometimes it gets worse.

Written for spnshannanigans's prompt on LJ's ohsam which is "Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming"

**Disclaimer: **The show belongs to Kripke.

**A/N: **This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone story. But of course, it'll make more sense if you've read them all (or at least most of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song the fic is named after.

Feedback is love. Enjoy!

SNSNSNSN

The sun was rising on the forest where Rufus' cabin was hidden. A small breeze picked up dust from the ground. Dean was out on the porch and looking at the horizon. For a moment, he just enjoyed the silence and peace. It surely wouldn't last.

He heard cracking from behind him. He felt the calming presence of his father figure. He didn't need to turn around to know who was behind him. Sam's energy was completely different anyway. The air around his brother was a constant spiral of tension. Sam was a time bomb, ticking.

"You're up early"

Dean breathed in fresh air and kept his eyes on the blooming colors or the rising sun.

"Force of habit… Sam usually starts screaming early. Apparently Lucifer has no sense of time"

Bobby grunted.

"Poor kid"

Dean nodded. He felt Bobby reaching closer and he turned in time to see that the older hunter was standing next to him. The youngest turned fully to face the old man. Bobby wished he would never have to see such despair on such a young man's face.

"I don't know what to do, Bobby. I want to help, I really do. But Sam… he's just so broken up even though he tries to act all tough. I know he still has nightmares almost every night and it's not even like it gets better when he's awake"

Dean's voice was close to breaking.

Bobby had welcomed the boys on the previous night. The eldest had just driven them there. When Bobby asked, he said they needed to breathe a little fresh air. The older hunter had understood clearly that what Dean meant was that he was overwhelmed and he needed back up taking care of Sam. With what he remembered from the last time, he could only start to imagine what Dean must have gone through. That's why he hadn't said a thing and offered the guest bedroom readily.

But now that they were together and Sam wasn't around to hear – probably finally resting after spending the night up watching TV – the two would be having a serious conversation. When Bobby had asked Sam why he was up all night, the youngest only mumbled something like 'Lucifer enjoys those shows and it keeps him busy'. Bobby hadn't pressed the matter. But now he needed answers from Dean.

"I saw that. Your brother was up all night watching those war documentaries"

"Kid's always been a geek" Dean tried with a sad smile. Bobby didn't feel like finding humor in the matter.

"I'm not sure he was watching them for kicks, if ya know what I mean"

Dean knew exactly. He knew too well. He'd been with the kid for weeks after all.

"I hate to see him like this" Dean admitted.

Bobby looked sympathetic. He loved those boys like his own, after all.

"You know how I feel about ya, boys. And ya know that I don't like saying this, considering. But don't ya think you should have thought about that before putting his soul back in?"

Dean frowned. He had heard that speech already, but now? And from Bobby? – the guy whom had been mad at Sam for a while after Robo Sam had tried to kill him.

"If I hadn't, you'd be rotting meat" Dean pointed out.

"I know"

"Then what are you saying, Bobby?"

The eldest shrugged and sighed deeply.

"I'm just saying that you've been warned. Cas told you what it would cost to bring Sam back. Hell, even Crowley told you! Now I don't like the guy, but if he agrees with the angels, then I tend to listen"

Dean had a vague souvenir of Robo Sam saying something similar. He couldn't forget the look on his face either. When death had walked in the panic room with Sam's soul, the soulless version of his brother did look scared. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't remember any other time when soulless Sam had actually _been_ scared. He swallowed. His eyes misted.

"What was I supposed to do? What would you have done?"

Bobby didn't know what to say because really, he had no clue. Both options had consequences. Maybe Sam shouldn't even have gotten out of Hell. It was horrible to think that way, but the youngest was fated to be damaged from the moment he stepped out of the eternal fire.

"I know you did what you thought was best. And I know how much you love your brother. But maybe it's the price to pay to have him with ya. At least he ain't rotting in the cage with Lucifer and Michael"

"Maybe not. But Lucifer's in his head. They might not be in the cage, but as far as I know, he's tormenting Sam all the same"

Bobby knew that and he didn't like it more than Dean did. But something was nagging at him and it made him angry. Not at Dean nor was it even at Sam. Just at life itself because he hated that it had to be so unfair for the boys whom had just wanted to save the world.

"Then maybe you should stop expecting Sam to be all good, already. You said it yourself, idjit. Sam's a mess and he was Lucifer's chew toy for a long time. Don't you think it's already good that he's functional at all? Ok, he has hallucinations and nightmares… that ain't too bad considering what he's been through! You were a mess too when ya came back from Hell and you didn't spend half the time Sam did down there. Maybe you're the one who wants him to be fine…"

Dean clenched his fists.

"Well, of course I want him to be fine! He's my brother, Bobby" he spat as if that could make it all okay.

"Then give him some time. Sam's tough. He's been through a lot. He can pull through, but he needs time" Bobby snapped. He did believe in both his boys but sometimes they needed a little kick in the right place to point them in the good direction.

Dean didn't know what to say, but it made sense to him and maybe Bobby was right. Sam needed more than a few painkillers and a good night of sleep to get out of this one.

"How do I do that?" Dean asked quietly. He was finally ready to admit that maybe he needed advices. That's what he had a father for. And Bobby was the best damn father figure he'd ever had.

Bobby's eyes softened, recognizing Dean's queries for what they were.

"Just be there. Don't push anything. He'll come to ya when he's ready" Bobby said with a slight smile. "And you know how hard headed he is" he added, his smile growing. Dean couldn't help but smile too.

"He's as fucking rigid as a nun's panties" he jeered.

They looked at each other, trying to remain serious. Bobby's lips curled and after trying so hard to keep it back, broke into laughter. Dean usually threw bombs without laughing but seeing his uncle almost cry out in amusement, he allowed himself to giggle. He wouldn't mock his brother if he didn't love him anyway.

They both decided it would be about time to get back inside the house. Dean didn't want Sam to wake up on his own either. He didn't want a reprise of that warehouse episode. He was surprised when he entered the cabin and found Sam sitting stiffly on the couch. The TV was turned off, but Sam was looking at it as if he were seeing something.

Bobby didn't want to force his presence so he squeezed himself along the walls and positioned himself in the kitchen behind Sam. After a moment, he realized that he could have entered sitting on an elephant's back and Sam still wouldn't have noticed him. He sighed sadly.

"Sam, hey. Didn't think you'd be up yet" Dean greeted.

His brother didn't look at him, but Dean knew he'd heard when Sam started replying.

"Woke up. Couldn't sleep. So I came to watch TV" he said robotically. There was a glass of juice on the coffee table, but Dean could bet his mother's soul that it wasn't juice. At least not entirely.

He turned to check the television once more. Maybe he was the crazy one and didn't notice it was on. Sam said he came to watch TV. But he wasn't crazy as far as he could tell because when he checked, the screen was still black. A chill ran down his back.

"Uh, ok. Is there anything interesting on?" he asked casually.

"Can't concentrate. _He_'s too loud"

Dean frowned. He tried to remember what Bobby had said.

"Lucifer?"

Sam nodded, his eyes empty and drifting. Dean assumed the devil was sitting in the corner opposite from him. It's where Sam's eyes drifted when they weren't on the TV.

"Anything I can do to help?" he asked, hoping Sam would get the hint. If ever he needed anything… Dean was there.

His brother's eyes finally turned to him. Dean felt cold. Sam's eyes were cold. Absent. Veiled even.

"He says he's bored. 's got nothing to do"

Dean's eyes crossed Bobby's before they landed on the spot where he thought the devil was.

"Yeah well… I'm sorry for him if he thought we had the _desperate housewives_'s kind of lifestyle" Dean joked with a smile that wasn't really heartfelt. Bobby glared at him and Dean swallowed his smile. Sam hardly flinched.

Then Lucifer must have said something because his brother's head snapped in his direction.

_It's true though. I guess when I reconstructed your world, I left out the big drama parts. I thought nobody should fuck with you, Sammy. Nobody but me._ Lucifer grinned. Sam flinched. His eyes widened and he started panting.

'This _is_ my life. You're not doing anything. You're not here' Sam said through gritted teeth.

_Right. For what it's worth. Real life or not, you were in the cage. All those things we did together… that was you. I'm not making that up._ The devil laughed. Sam dug his nails into his palms.

_Aw poor kid. Deanie will have to kiss those boo boos on your hands. You're so lucky to have him. Maybe I'll give you that since you gave me _my _big brother to toy with, in the cage. _

Sam turned to look at Dean's horrified eyes and then turned back to face Satan. He'd seen Dean's lips move but no sound had reached his ears.

"Sam! He's just messing with you. Don't listen to him" Dean tried. He still couldn't get his brother's attention.

Lucifer puckered his lips into a pout.

_Awwww, that's soooo sweet. Your brother wants you to remember that I'm the bad guy here_.

'You are' Sam growled out. He cringed at the pain he hadn't realized he'd been inflicting himself. His nails had gone deeply enough into his skin to draw blood. He hadn't even noticed.

Lucifer feigned a look of hurt.

_You're not being nice to me, pal. You actually hurt my feelings when all I'm trying to do is to make you face reality so you can stop hurting yourself. _

Sam raised an eyebrow at him with a look filled with hatred. Lucifer shrugged in defense and stood up. He paced around the living room and inched closer to Dean. Sam could now watch them both at the same time.

_Well I guess… If you're _that _convinced that I'm not real… you won't mind if I do… this. _Lucifer pulled out a knife and pulled Dean's sleeve up. Sam's eyes widened with fear.

'Don't' he begged. Lucifer's smile only widened. He put the blade to his brother's skin and started peeling himself a strip. Sam cringed and his breath caught in his throat. Lucifer peeled another strip of skin off Dean's arm and Sam could see the bare flesh.

'Stop' he pleaded, his lip quivering. Dean couldn't see Lucifer, but he could see Sam's face, filled with fear, and he didn't like that his brother was staring at him. Sam didn't seem to be seeing him though.

"Sam, man. Snap out of it" he tried. But his brother was too far away.

Lucifer then plunged the knife into the flesh and cut a piece large enough to reach the muscle. Blood oozed. Sam's heart rollercoastered in his chest. At the sight of blood on his brother, his stomach clogged. Bile rushed up his throat.

"Sam!" he hardly heard as he keeled over and vomited. He heard the devil's cold and cruel laugh. He retched and gagged, the images burning inside his head. He couldn't push them away. The smell of smoke and charred skin reached his nose. He bent further onto himself and coughed some more.

Hands and arms were around him, trying to steady him. He felt trapped and suffocated. He tried to flinch away, but the arms only pulled him tighter.

"Sam! For fuck's sake, listen to me!"

They shook him. The arms. The fingers, like little bones poking at his skin. His head was forced up, his eyes forced to stay open. And they dove into those green abysses of calm and comfort. It felt like home even though he couldn't see anything passed them. It took a few more seconds for his eyes to adjust and for his senses to return. Of course the eyes were Dean's. Whose else would they be?

"Sam? You with me?"

Dean. He was concerned. Terrified even. Sam felt stiff; his joints painful.

"Dean?" he asked breathily. Something lit in Dean's eyes. The simple sound of his name being a blessing of its own. A smile broke across his face.

"Yeah. Yeah it's me. I'm right here. You're safe now" he whispered as if it would make it all better. As if he could make the pain go away.

And it worked. Sam slackened into his arms, his muscles unclenching. The youngest gave himself away into his brother's hold.

"You found me" he breathed out, still panting from the last attack.

Dean wanted to cry. He just smiled instead.

"I'll always find you, Sammy. I won't ever let you get lost on your own" he promised.

It seemed to be enough because Sam's eyes closed and his breathing slowed back to a normal pace.

"'kay" he slurred, limping further into Dean.

Bobby was on the side watching them. Sam was slumped on the floor of the cabin, covered in puke and Dean was sitting behind him, cradling the kid to his chest. The eldest's heart melted with affection.

"He okay?" he asked softly. Dean turned his eyes to him, cradling Sam tighter.

"Yeah, he's good. Exhausted though"

Bobby nodded.

"I'll get ya clean pajamas and settle a bed for him on the couch" he announced.

"Thanks, Bobby"

Bobby smiled sadly.

"Don't mention it"

The eldest came back with a clean gown and they manhandled Sam out of his clothes. The kid was a dead weight through the whole process.

"He must be really out of it or he would bitch at us for even trying to dress him up" Dean pointed out. Sam only moaned. His eyes fluttered.

Bobby snorted. He loved those kids.

Sam managed to open his eyes enough to see his brother adjust a pair of sweats around his hips.

"Dressin' me?" he mumbled.

Dean looked at him with an amused grin.

"Yes, princess. Wouldn't want you to break a nail on those sweats" he teased. Sam rolled his eyes, but the humor made him smile. It felt good to have Dean around even though it killed every ounce of manhood he had left.

"'t happened?"

Dean sighed and pulled his brother to a sitting position. Sam groaned from the effort.

"Lucifer was fucking around with your head. You puked all over yourself"

Sam cringed at the memory that rushed back to him by the means of an acid stench. Bobby was already starting to clean up his mess.

"Dean" Sam started with wide eyes. Dean frowned. He was scared of what was coming.

"Yeah, Sammy?"

Sam frowned. He did look like a child once again.

"I think… Lucifer he's… he's really _evil_"

Dean was dumbfounded. He didn't know if he was supposed to laugh or cradle his brother. He heard Bobby's snort.

"Well… it's kind of in his job's description" Dean tried. Laughing was not an option. Or was it?

"'m tired" Sam finally sighed. Dean didn't want to laugh anymore. He knew what his brother meant. Sam was tired of it all. Lucifer, the hallucinations, Hell…

He cuddled his brother closer. "I know you are, kiddo. I'm sorry"

Sam stiffened. He turned his head on the side, his neck not flexible enough to allow him to face his brother completely. "What are you sorry for?"

Dean wanted to say _everything_. For not being able to make it better, for not being the one hurting instead, for letting Lucifer torment him, for letting his Sammy go to Hell…

"For not being able to pull you out of this one. I wanna help, but I don't know what to do. Sammy, I'm sorry I don't know what to do" he confessed, tears pooling into his eyes.

Sam shook his head. "You're there. When I get lost, the only thing I need is to know that you're there to guide me back home. Just… don't go… _please_"

Dean's heart shattered into pieces. He gripped his brother as tightly as he could.

"'m not going anywhere. Ever. I promise"

And Sam hugged him back.

When the kid's eyes started drooping, Dean settled him onto the couch. At least they could keep an eye on him there. Sam had stiffened again. He almost looked… scared.

"Hey, what's bothering you?" Dean asked.

Sam shrugged. Dean's eyes intensified. The youngest bowed his head.

"I don't want to sleep… nightmares"

Dean sighed. Then something popped into his mind. He grabbed his duffel and pulled out a pill container. Sam frowned when he looked at it.

"What's that?"

"It'll just take the edge off" Dean assured.

Sam was still hesitant, but he finally nodded. His brother handed him a pill. Sam swallowed it dry.

"That's it kiddo. Nap time for Sammy. And no nightmares tonight, okay"

Sam nodded. He looked beat. Dean sighed.

"That was a bad one, wasn't it?"

He meant the hallucinations. Sam didn't just vomit over anything. His brother shrugged.

"Yeah. Bad" he mumbled, his eyes already drooping.

Dean sighed.

"Okay, go to sleep. You look beat"

Sam nodded and closed his eyes. Images of Dean bleeding flashed in his mind. He shivered and his stomach clenched. He could hear Lucifer's cold laugh in the distance, but it seemed to fade away into a numb nothingness.

He fell into a dreamless sleep.

And Dean stayed there because he had promised to.


End file.
